i don’t need you.

i’m the stick shift king.

so i went on tumblr and i wasn’t going to post anything but the text box came up by itself so i guess i’ll take the opportunity to rant.  

i’m not sure if i’m happy with my life right now.  i make decent money now, but i don’t know if it’s enough to live on my own, or worth all the work i have to do to earn it.  i have a lot of unpaid medical bills that i have no help with to pay off, and i’m scared it’s going to ruin my credit.  i’m not sure if i want to go back to college now.  i’ll be making more money, but the loans will be horrendous, and there’s not much more columbia can really even teach me at this point.  the only plus side is i’ll have more connections if i graduate from there. the job i have now holds a much more promising future anyway, even if i won’t be making six figures.  maybe i’ll even still get into studio work somehow, but idk.  

socially, i feel like i have some of the best friends i could ever ask for.  romanitc relationships are ruined for me, and i wish they weren’t.  i really miss having someone to cuddle with, and call cute names, and all that stuff that sounds too gay to go on about.  i don’t think i’ll be able to love for a few more years.  i don’t trust girls in relationships anymore.  i don’t have the feeling that i could be someone’s everything anymore.  i feel incapable of that.  so i guess i’ll proceed through life working and supporting myself, having fun with friends and thinking of love as only something that once was, something that’s completely unattainable now. like a dead relative.  something that’ll never come back no matter how much you want it to.  no matter how much you miss it.  no matter how many memories you have of it.  and should i be discontent because of that? i don’t know.  is love really that important in life if you don’t have it?  

work kills me.  i feel like i’m less of a person now, even though i have an important job.  it requires no creativity, and that just kills me.  it’s straight technicality, it’s the reason i didn’t go into software engineering.  but i guess my work life and personal life are completely separate entities that shouldn’t really affect one another.  but do i really want to work long shifts, 5, sometimes 7 days a week for the rest of my life?  sure in 4 or 5 years i’ll be making more than most college graduates, but is it worth it to do something that drains your soul just for money?  i feel like it sounds like all i care about is money, but that’s far from the truth.  i just feel very conflicted over making sure i can live comfortable vs. doing something i’d rather be doing as a profession and not being able to live comfortably.  i hate being adult.  i hate this stage of my life.  i hate the lack of love.  i hate bills.  i hate almost everything but my friends.

i guess i’m not content with my life.

i think you were in my profile picture once.

downgrade.